I can step back at times and see that His way is far superior to mine. Things worked out just as they should. I was wrong and He was right.
My memory; however, is short and I forget those things quite easily. I, again, try to take things over and over again. Why don't I just learn? Why don't I just remember? Ugh...it's hard to be a human. I am so used to playing God in my life. It is humbling to recognize I am not special or unique. I hate it. It seems that all would be easier if I could just do it all on my own. I don't want to have to always submit. I don't want to be humbled repeatedly. I just want to do it my way, all the time, every time. You know, like a kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store when mom says no. In that moment, that kid can see no other way. I feel like that kid a lot. I can see no other way than mine. Then I become fearful and angry that things won't come together just perfectly. I wait for God to drop the ball. I get impatient when my stopwatch expires and God has still not responded.
I don't have an answer to any of this. I hate that I can't be my own God and have to depend on Him all the time. Yet I recognize my ways are far less than His. I'm trapped. Stuck.
I don't know how to unstuck myself. Sure, I could say 'faith' or 'trust' in Him to provide. I know those answers, don't give me those. Give me proof. Show me the nails in the wrists. I feel like a doubting Thomas Quite often. The problem is God has shown me His wrists several times. And each time I see those scars, I remember how He has provided in the past. But the next time something comes up, I forget again that He once showed me His wrists and proved Himself worthy of my praise.
Stuck am I. Unstuck I would rather be. I'm working it on though. Each night, before I go to bed, I name one or two things that happened that day that shows God had something to do in provision that I had not planned. It helps me see that He truly is in control and I am not. Maybe, after naming enough of these things, I could come to trust them every day on my own and believe they are the norm and not the exception.
I too hope that I can identify the Lord's sovereignty in daily circumstances so that this may become the norm, not the exception. What an encouragment for growth.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is that God's sovereignty, His provision is all around. The Bible calls us to "worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness." (Psalm 27...or 29).
His soverignty provides a comfort for the struggle to become unstuck. The relief!...to know that He is in control...so that I do not have to be. Praise Him that I do not have to live being my own God. For He has first chosen me, that I may choose Him.
Oh, how I take this for granted. How the flesh creeps in. It is easy to become your own God. To be stuck in worldliness in mind and action.
I must fight! Arm yourself for battle! Fight the worldliness that creeps in so subtely. Satan prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Pet 5). So arm yourself for battle to become unstuck in the world and stuck in the loving arms of our Savior. The battle to praise Him for all He deserves us to. To praise Him in our daily lives, seeking to do His will and live for Him more than we live for ourselves or for the world. This seems that it should be easier than it is. How I long for the day that I do not have to fight the flesh, but can rest in the peace and glory of being with Him in paradise...what a glorious hope!
I, too, struggle with being stuck. It's embarrassing how many times God has shown me His way is better, and yet I still continue to persist in wanting to control my life. I guess this struggle shouldn't come as a surprise to me, given how the Bible describes what it's like to live in a fallen world. Even Paul struggled: "So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Rom. 7:21-25). I find this so encouraging, because it reminds me of the reality of the daily struggle that following God entails. God never promises that it will be easy, and on those days when I feel like a complete failure He is there to forgive me and to sustain me and to continue to help me to grow.
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