Cheers to 2010

I have decided that this year has to be better than the last two. I refuse to be discontent. Instead, I will rejoice in the Lord and what He has done (Phil 4; 1 Peter 2:23). I have decided that I will attempt to seek Him with all of my heart and I trust that if I seek, I will find (Matt 7?), that if I abide in Him and walk in His ways (1 Jn 2:6), that I will be content. People say that the Lord gives you the desires of your heart, and they are right-He has given us His Son! I know that it is Him-Jesus Christ crucified that the soul longs for. My soul longs for the richest of foods (Ps 63). Yet the world petitions for my desires and my motives. I refuse to succumb to the devil's schemes without a fight (1 Pet 5:7), for I know that the heavenly forces and they Almighty are so much greater than any worldly element. This year, I will make love, humility, zeal and perseverance in Him my priorities. My greatest desire is to commune with the living God as much as possible. I know that this takes self-denial, discipline and endurance. I confess that I have not even come close to maintaining this kind of devotion. I am ashamed to admit how little I have given, how small I have made Him. My minimal acts that supposedly characterize a follower of Him are no longer good enough for me to live by. Spurgeon says that to live apart from Him is pure misery but to walk with Him is like Heaven. I know that following Him requires much more than I have been giving. He requires EVERYTHING. He deserves my daily devotion and submission, the laying down of my cross at the foot of His (Lk 9:23+). I have to be willing to die for His name sake as a Believer. It is this that I committ myself to exploring and pursing this year. I know that growth only occurs by His working in my heart and life, by His mercy. I trust that He knows what is best and will ensure that it occurs. I can no longer hide under the blanket of the world that complains He is not enough...that if only I achieved a degree, or the most magnificient career, or was 1olbs lighter, or had the companionship of a husband...for I have tasted that the Lord is good (Ps 34:8) and I have known of the cross...He is more than enough! "Because your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise you" (Ps 63).

Inspired...

I must say that I am deeply inspired by the amount of profound blogs posted on here each and every day. Simply brilliant, ladies!

Expecting Nothing...

When I pray, I expect nothing. I don't expect God to answer my prayers. Why would He?

There are far more important things God could be attending to. Why would He give me a new job that I like when millions are unemployed and have nothing? Why would He give us more money when there are tons that are homeless and we have a brand new house and car? Why would He bless me with getting on Wipeout? He has far more pressing issues than me getting on a game-show. Right?

Well, I have always thought so. But, what if, He WANTS to do those things just because He does?!? If that were true, I would pray more expectantly. I would pray and expect something. I would pray expecting the very thing I am requesting. Actually, I would pray expecting something far better than what I am asking for, because that is how He could roll, if He chose to.

Don't get me wrong, I am not going to go crazy by asking for winning the lottery, retiring at 28, and my own personal chef. No, those things would be asking a little much. But, I can pray with an expectant heart and see what happens. I think I am growing tired of doubting God. I am tired of playing my own God. He is the freakin' God of the Universe. He created me. I am guessing He could manage to somehow land me a cool job even though it looks impossible at this point.

Okay, starting now, I am going to pray with an expectant heart. Here goes...I am really doing it. What if He doesn't answer?!? What do I do then?!? Shoot....I did it again, expecting nothing. Okay, again- starting now.....GO!

Is fulfillment fatalistic?

I have to rest in the fact that true and complete fulfillment resides in being in communion with the Lord. What then is the point of this earth? What is the meaning of worldly happiness? I desire true and full joy. The joy of the Lord! How do I cultivate a lifestyle that is saturated with His joy? Let me start by asking that His mercy may grant me His joy and contentment.

Stuck...

When I try to do it on my own, I recognize that I am tired and weary. I become angry and bitter. A bit overwhelmed and resentful. Why aren't things working out like they should?!? Why aren't things going like I planned? Why isn't God doing things my way?

I can step back at times and see that His way is far superior to mine. Things worked out just as they should. I was wrong and He was right.

My memory; however, is short and I forget those things quite easily. I, again, try to take things over and over again. Why don't I just learn? Why don't I just remember? Ugh...it's hard to be a human. I am so used to playing God in my life. It is humbling to recognize I am not special or unique. I hate it. It seems that all would be easier if I could just do it all on my own. I don't want to have to always submit. I don't want to be humbled repeatedly. I just want to do it my way, all the time, every time. You know, like a kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store when mom says no. In that moment, that kid can see no other way. I feel like that kid a lot. I can see no other way than mine. Then I become fearful and angry that things won't come together just perfectly. I wait for God to drop the ball. I get impatient when my stopwatch expires and God has still not responded.

I don't have an answer to any of this. I hate that I can't be my own God and have to depend on Him all the time. Yet I recognize my ways are far less than His. I'm trapped. Stuck.

I don't know how to unstuck myself. Sure, I could say 'faith' or 'trust' in Him to provide. I know those answers, don't give me those. Give me proof. Show me the nails in the wrists. I feel like a doubting Thomas Quite often. The problem is God has shown me His wrists several times. And each time I see those scars, I remember how He has provided in the past. But the next time something comes up, I forget again that He once showed me His wrists and proved Himself worthy of my praise.

Stuck am I. Unstuck I would rather be. I'm working it on though. Each night, before I go to bed, I name one or two things that happened that day that shows God had something to do in provision that I had not planned. It helps me see that He truly is in control and I am not. Maybe, after naming enough of these things, I could come to trust them every day on my own and believe they are the norm and not the exception.

The Mercies of God

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!' The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

Lamentations 3:22-26

So often I overlook and do not acknowledge the great MERCIES of the Lord. This passage refers not only to the mercy of God, but also His faithfulness, love, kindness and compassion. It is in these things that I may find rest and hope. Yet the things of this world vie for my time and heart. I pray that my soul may seek the Lord, that my hope may be in Him and that I may wait paitently for the day that I will be with Him in glory. What is it that you wait for? What is it that you praise? What is it that you hope in? I pray that it is in the mercies of our great and loving Savior.

Mysterious...

What would it be like to eat artichokes with Jesus? Each of us peeling away the layers to get to the heart. Though the layers we would pull away would be for physical nourishment, Jesus would pull away layers to release the weight of the fake selves we so proudly display. The fake 'courage' or 'security' on top of layers of 'do it your self strength' and 'outer beauty.' After peeling and peeling, Jesus would finally reveal the prize. A heart. Our hearts. Honest and real. The raw heart would be revealed without layers of protection we think we need. The layers we would be so vulnerable without.

What would it be like to eat artichokes with Jesus?

Refreshing.

Freeing.

Inviting.

I want to eat artichokes with Jesus. :-)

Anyone else?