I can step back at times and see that His way is far superior to mine. Things worked out just as they should. I was wrong and He was right.
My memory; however, is short and I forget those things quite easily. I, again, try to take things over and over again. Why don't I just learn? Why don't I just remember? Ugh...it's hard to be a human. I am so used to playing God in my life. It is humbling to recognize I am not special or unique. I hate it. It seems that all would be easier if I could just do it all on my own. I don't want to have to always submit. I don't want to be humbled repeatedly. I just want to do it my way, all the time, every time. You know, like a kid throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store when mom says no. In that moment, that kid can see no other way. I feel like that kid a lot. I can see no other way than mine. Then I become fearful and angry that things won't come together just perfectly. I wait for God to drop the ball. I get impatient when my stopwatch expires and God has still not responded.
I don't have an answer to any of this. I hate that I can't be my own God and have to depend on Him all the time. Yet I recognize my ways are far less than His. I'm trapped. Stuck.
I don't know how to unstuck myself. Sure, I could say 'faith' or 'trust' in Him to provide. I know those answers, don't give me those. Give me proof. Show me the nails in the wrists. I feel like a doubting Thomas Quite often. The problem is God has shown me His wrists several times. And each time I see those scars, I remember how He has provided in the past. But the next time something comes up, I forget again that He once showed me His wrists and proved Himself worthy of my praise.
Stuck am I. Unstuck I would rather be. I'm working it on though. Each night, before I go to bed, I name one or two things that happened that day that shows God had something to do in provision that I had not planned. It helps me see that He truly is in control and I am not. Maybe, after naming enough of these things, I could come to trust them every day on my own and believe they are the norm and not the exception.
